How to Fuck Up Your Life and Hate Yourself

In the last couple of months I’ve been wondering. I’ve been asking myself some deep shit serious questions about life and my(our) purpose on this little planet we happen to be on. I mean, what the hell are we doing here anyway? At the same time, I couldn’t help but notice that my life was fucked up. Again. And again. Everywhere I looked, there was this huge mess of a life without any particular direction. Sheer chaos.

But then I realized that the mess could be beautiful if I only chose to see it that way. I realized that my life was fucked up not because it’s hard to have a decent life but because I tried too hard to have one.

I like the explanation Mark Manson gives here about the inverted curve – or why some things in life are backwards.

And since I don’t know anything about making a life worth living – because I got it all backwards, I will show you how to make a life worth hating. And yourself with it together. Maybe that helps.

So here are some of my best tips:

  1. Care about everything and everybody because everything matters in equal measure. Never curse or use bad language and always be that nice person trying to help everyone achieve whatever it is they want to achieve in their lives. Forget about yourself and your life. Be there for them whenever they need you.

  2. Be safe. Or try as hard as you can to only do safe things, and never risk anything. Not even the smallest thing. We were made to be safe, calculate all the risks and never move any finger if there’s even the slightest potential of things to go haywire. We were made to be protected from every harm. Life is tough business, so we should be protected from it by all means.

  3. Only do something when you’ve got all the information. Never start anything if you don’t know everything about it. This way, you’ll never actually start anything, which means you’ll never risk anything that could go wrong. Besides your entire life. But that’s what you want, right?

  4. Doing what matters most is important. But ever more important is doing what matters most to others. So always do shit that matters. For others.

  5. Never, ever, do something stupid. Why do you think you’re on Earth? I’ll tell you. You’re here to be that perfect little human being who never gets anything wrong, who’s taking the perfect decisions under any circumstances and who’s simply perfect. Be perfect. Be a machine. That’s what you’re here for.

  6. Be even safer. At number 2 I told you to stay safe. But now you can be even safer than safe. Safe is not enough. Be safer. You can do it.

  7. Save all you money. Yeah, never spend any penny on useless shit. Every penny has its perfect use. The ones who don’t, they’re meant to be saved for better future use. If you do happen to spend money on useless stuff, make yourself feel guilty that you did something stupid, and never forgive yourself for not being that perfect human machine you’re supposed to be.

  8. Never get drunk. Yeah, that activity is for those low imperfect humans who’re never able to be at their peak of perfection. That’s why they drink. To forget how imperfect they are. But you, you’re not like them. You’re a perfect human machine.

  9. Be serious about everything and only do serious stuff. Never do meaningless things, or actions meant to be done just because they make you feel better about yourself. Fuck that. You’re perfect, you don’t need that shit. You’re here to be that perfect, serious, human machine. So act like it.

  10. Overthink everything. If there’s nothing to do, you’ve got to think. Yeah, think, think, think. Think about all the important matters, about all the serious shit in life. Just think. Take no breaks. Breaks in thinking are weakness. And you’re not weak, right?

  11. Overplan. After you’re done with overthinking everything, overplan. Yeah, plan to the smallest of details before doing anything. Nothing on this planet is supposed to go with the flow. Just calculate and plan everything. It’s the only way.

  12. Always learn. This seems to be one of the best advice there is. We’re here to learn. Everything. Yesterday. And there’s so much to learn, especially crap. Yeah, learn all that crap there is to learn, all the useless shit out there, because who knows when you might need it. You’re that perfect serious human machine, so you need to know everything about everything. That’s the only way to a successful life. No mistakes allowed, nothing you don’t know about. Learn. And after you’re done learning, learn some more. The information is infinite these days.

  13. Please everybody. You’re here to make everyone feel good about themselves and their lives, so be the best at pleasing people. Be kind. Be polite. Be whatever they want you to be. That will get you so far in life.

  14. Follow the guidelines and read the manuals. Yeah, how can you learn something and know that that something is right if there isn’t someone out there to tell you? Always read that manual. Always follow the guidelines. Stay on the beaten path and never ever try to stray away from it. You’re perfect. And perfection only happens on the beaten path. Everything outside of that is imperfect.

  15. Never quit your job. That’s something very risky no human being should ever attempt. Never quit your job without having money for a few months of living. Who knows in what imperfect situation you might end up? You’re meant to be perfect, and you can’t be perfect without a job, right?

  16. Bury your days into that Facebook feed and scroll your life into oblivion watching others’ perfect lives. You’re there to learn from them and their perfectly fake moments and feel bad about yourself because you’re not doing that awesome shit they’re doing.

  17. I forgot this one…

  18. Always be convinced that whatever you’re doing isn’t good enough. You’re never enough. You never work hard and long enough to deserve any accolades or benefits. And it’s all your fault for that, so you deserve nothing. Now get back to work and try to become that perfect human machine we’re talking about here.

  19. Empty slot

  20. The list had to be perfect and have 20 items on it. No more, no less. So here you go. 20 things you can do to fuck up your life and hate yourself in the process.

The list isn’t exhaustive. If you think you’ve got more to add, feel free to do it in the comments below. After all, we can learn from each other.

If this somehow makes you mad or hurts you in any way, know that I’m not sorry. I just don’t give a shit anymore. Fuck number 13.

Photo by ALP STUDIO on Unsplash

2 Comments

  1. Silvia P.
    June 26, 2018
    Reply

    And we can always be sure that our best is not good enough. It’ll never be enough and it’s our fault.

    • Vlad C.
      June 26, 2018
      Reply

      Oh, yeah. How could I forget about that? How could I be so imperfect? I’ll add it to the list. 😀

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